You have a wound that is deeper and more painful than any other.
You hide the wound with a lot of defense mechanisms. You may even hide it from your conscious mind. That’s how important it is for the ego to hide this most devastating pain.
Here is an example of this kind of wound: my example.
When I was five years old my father left us. My mom had a hot friend and daddy wanted to upgrade. He took me to a river to break the news. In his mind we would skip stones off of the water as he told me he was leaving forever. I didn’t feel like skipping stones; I froze with heartbreak. There was panic, fear and powerlessness. There was no negotiating. There was no empathy.
I held in the pain and the tears. I held in the poison of worthlessness. Obviously I was worthless. My daddy wouldn’t have left if I was worthy. There was worthlessness and there was sadness. There was also shame. It is shameful to be worthless and sad, and rejected. These emotions cannot be shared with or seen by others. According to my mother I basically went silent for a year. Kindergarten was delayed by a year.
I held the toxic emotions in my body so that I to protect myself from further shame and rejection. That physical holding of the wound resulted in a disconnection from the body, weight gain and discomfort and more shame in the realm of sports. Years went by and the inner pain became the norm. There was little awareness at age 8 or 15 that I was still deeply wounded. Life was what it was and I carried the pain with outer the outer bravado of lies and bullshit that were deployed to deflect attention from my deep insecurity.
Deeper levels keep emerging
I’ve been a healer for over two decades now and I keep going back and healing deeper levels of this wound. It has been known to me for years and I’ve done very deep work many times.
There is a misconception about healing, that we can go through our issues one by one and clear them up forever. But it is important to understand that these things are woven into the fabric of our beings. As we heal certain issues, like fear of rejection, we are able to access deeper levels of our core wound(s). It’s easy to despair when we thought we had totally cleared up an issue, only to find a more fundamental level of pain. But when we actually release these toxic emotions, the freedom and almost divine bliss that we feel is totally worth all of the work this healing requires.
No Choice but to heal the wound
The important thing to understand is that there really is no choice but to heal the wound. If we don’t, we hold the frequency of the stuck emotion. That frequency magnetically attracts people and situations that stir up the emotions we are resisting feeling. It’s not a cruel universe doing it, it is an evolutionary universe that brings you whatever it takes to spark your healing.
If you hide your feelings of worthlessness, shame and fear of rejection, you are going to attract people and situations that make you feel worthless, shame and fear of rejection. The good thing, when you understand how things work, that you can safely feel your emotions, is that you then know exactly what needs to be healed. It’s hard work, but walking around with the poison for a lifetime isn’t really an option.